I’m sure we can all agree that we have been hurt by the callous words or actions of another. When this happens, we may find it difficult to forgive him or her.
There is a very old saying that says, “Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” This is a warning to people to not act out in anger or resentment because you only end up harming yourself. Over time, these feelings of resentment can build until the individual develops feelings of depression or anxiety.
While forgiving others who have hurt us isn’t always easy, in the end, it greatly benefits our mental health and overall well-being. To be clear: Forgiving others does NOT mean you agree with or condone their poor behavior.
And it doesn’t mean that your feelings aren’t valid. Forgiveness simply means letting go of the negative feelings that are holding you down and causing you prolonged distress.
Again, forgiving someone who has hurt you isn’t easy, but it will lead you to a sense of peace and joy. Here are some steps you can take to forgive others:
Process Your Pain
Have you really faced your pain and processed it? You’ll need to do this before you can let those feelings go. Give yourself permission to feel your feelings deeply and fully. Cry, yell, hit your pillow, journal or pray about the situation.
Forgive Yourself
It takes two to tango, as they say. While we can easily point to others and blame them for the breakup or ugly incident, the truth is, we were there also. We played some role. Even if it was to retaliate in the moment and to show our own ugliness. It’s time to forgive your own humanity and any wrongdoing to yourself or others.
Try to Understand
True forgiveness is impossible without a sense of understanding. You can try to forgive, claim you have forgiven, only to have those negative nagging feelings crop up again and again.
When we try to understand why someone has acted the way they have, it can alleviate the negative feelings that we’ve been grappling with.
For example, a critical parent acts the way they act because they, too, were the victim of a critical parent. An overbearing boss is dealing with a personal tragedy at home. An emotionally unavailable spouse is self-sabotaging his or her life because they have incredibly low self-esteem and do not feel they deserve happiness.
Life is complicated and human beings are even more so. Try and understand why someone has hurt you. You will be amazed at what this magical A-ha moment can do for you but remember, understanding the reason(s) a person acts the way that they do doesn’t mean that you have to condone it nor continue to put up with their bad behavior.
If you’d like to speak to someone and get some guidance and much-needed perspective, please reach out to me.
SOURCES:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/complicated-love/202006/the-healing-power-forgiveness
https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/the-power-of-forgiveness
https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-forgiveness-3144954